WHO CAN STOP THIS VICIOUS RAPIST?
Infamous gash hound Donald “coontang” Trump’s legendary forays into the field of amateur gynecology continued last night during a pre-primary rally in New Hampshire. After an audience interjection, Trump wowed attending physicians by diagnosing rival candidate Ted Cruz with a case of acute vaginitis. A hush fell over the crowd followed by thunderous applause in what political commentators are calling the greatest “eureka” moment of modern political medicine.
Trump has been previously criticized by the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) which cautions against treatment by individuals whose doctorates are only honorary. However following the televised pronouncement, ACOG CEO Hal C. Lawrence III, MD was forced to conclude that Doctor Trump’s impromptu diagnosis was in fact totally accurate.
“I can’t believe it. We were completely stumped by Senator Cruz’s debilitating malady, the disgusting emissions, the rancid smell. In hindsight it should have been obvious. In our defense, I believe none of us have ever seen such a large vagina before. In fact, I believe Senator Cruz may go down in history as the biggest pussy of all time.”
Previous medical reasoning had led doctors to believe that Cruz was suffering from profound mental retardation from untreated phenylketonuria coupled with the early stages of Proteus Syndrome, causing his idiotic views and monstrous, gelatinous appearance. A tanker truck of Monistat 7 is currently en route to Concord to begin emergency treatment to save Senator Cruz’s life.
Get it now, proles. DOOM AWAITS YOU ALL!
Representative Steve “King of Lies” was caught on camera last night using black magic to puppeteer ill-formed homunculus Ted Cruz in front of a horrified crowd. Sources have claimed that the ritual which animated Cruz is losing its power, forcing the King of Lies to stay close to his unholy creation to keep it from coming apart at the seams.
King’s strategy of bathing the Cruz abomination in the blood of murdered children has allowed him to win the Iowa primary with his mindless construct, however many feel he is approaching a point where no number of slaughtered orphans can hold his unholy creation together.
Rival sorcerers in the Trump and Carson camps have been critical of the the homunculus’s lax, putty-like flesh and the vile and senseless gibberish it spouts. Some even whisper that King has lost the favor of bat-winged demigod Nyarlahotep and will soon be devoured. Despite her own Golemgate scandal, Democratic Lich Queen Hillary Clinton has publicly denounced King’s arcane construct as an affront before the eyes of Yaweh, and demanded the apparition be banished to the nether plane from whence it came.
Feeling the heat of bipartisan criticism and the infernal fires of hell, Representative King has announced plans to animate a replacement Cruz out of pig and horse carcasses directly after the primary.
In a uncharacteristic show of tolerance, Donald Trump’s campaign has sent an email to supporters requesting that rally attendees limit themselves to a single item of Nazi regalia.
“The New Hampshire Primary is a must win for Donald. While we support your first amendment right to proudly display the swastika, the Parteiadler, or the SS Death’s Head at Trump Rallies, please limit yourself to just piece of regalia until victory in New Hamshire is assured. Please note that this restriction does not extend to weapons such as Hitler Youth knives, Schutzstaffel boot daggers, or Lugers or MP40s emblazoned with the swastika which may be carried without limits. Heil Hitler!”
The move is predicted to appeal to moderate republicans who support the first amendment rights of Trump supporters to display Nazi Iconography, but are increasingly worried by a large contingent of Trump Youth who are attending rallies and caucuses in the iconic black uniforms of the Death’s Head Allgemeine SS.
The move was met with immediate criticism by rival Ted Cruz. Dressed in an immaculate Obersturmbannführer uniform, Cruz denounced Trump as a race-traitor bowing to the demands of politically correct Jewry. He then concluded the press conference by setting an effigy of a rabbi ablaze and stomping out of the room in his jackboots, over a path strewn with Israeli flags.
Show this weekend, to be announced on IRC.