Infamous gash hound Donald “coontang” Trump’s legendary forays into the field of amateur gynecology continued last night during a pre-primary rally in New Hampshire. After an audience interjection, Trump wowed attending physicians by diagnosing rival candidate Ted Cruz with a case of acute vaginitis. A hush fell over the crowd followed by thunderous applause in what political commentators are calling the greatest “eureka” moment of modern political medicine.
Trump has been previously criticized by the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) which cautions against treatment by individuals whose doctorates are only honorary. However following the televised pronouncement, ACOG CEO Hal C. Lawrence III, MD was forced to conclude that Doctor Trump’s impromptu diagnosis was in fact totally accurate.
“I can’t believe it. We were completely stumped by Senator Cruz’s debilitating malady, the disgusting emissions, the rancid smell. In hindsight it should have been obvious. In our defense, I believe none of us have ever seen such a large vagina before. In fact, I believe Senator Cruz may go down in history as the biggest pussy of all time.”
Previous medical reasoning had led doctors to believe that Cruz was suffering from profound mental retardation from untreated phenylketonuria coupled with the early stages of Proteus Syndrome, causing his idiotic views and monstrous, gelatinous appearance. A tanker truck of Monistat 7 is currently en route to Concord to begin emergency treatment to save Senator Cruz’s life.