Hillary Clinton’s yearly Blood Drive off to a rough start


Citing “A thirst only blood can slake,” Democratic frontrunner Hillary “Reaper” Clinton renewed demands that supporters offer her their firstborn sons in tribute, lest she unleash her armies of darkness upon the land once again.

Registered Democrats were awakened multiple times in the night by sinister robocalls where an apparently intoxicated Clinton demanded “kindfleisch” in between labored breaths. A small army of Clinton volunteers pounded on doors late into the night, shattering windows and setting the homes of those who dared resist their dark call ablaze.

Parents who refused to turn over their children to the Clinton campaign were punished by revocation of their voting rights in upcoming democratic primaries, as well as public abacination. Over one thousand children have been reported as missing since the beginning of what the Clinton Campaign is euphemistically referring to as a “Blood Drive.”

While most consider this politics as usual, some affected parents have since filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission. Their complaint claims they were unaware of a provision in the Democratic Party Membership Packet which allows candidates to devour their young during a Presidential or Midterm election cycle. When asked for comment Clinton Campaign Director Marlon Marshall laughed maniacally before pronouncing “The pact is sealed!” and refusing to comment further.

This isn’t the first time Clinton has demanded blood sacrifice from her constituents. In her 2008 run for president, Clinton was roundly criticized for her “Well of Souls” 30 second ad spot, where an animated maelstrom of blood and children was depicted as draining into the former Secretary’s waiting hell-maw. The death toll for the 2008 Blood Drive is estimated to be over 20,000.


Hillary Clinton’s New “GET THE LEAD OUT!” campaign urges voters to remove lead, blacks.


In the aftermath of her staggering loss at the Flint Democratic Debate, Hillary Clinton is trying to rally her supporters with “GET THE LEAD OUT,” a new slogan intended to highlight her pledge to rid the United States of the dangerous pollutant and black people over the next eight years.

“There’s a heavy burden in our communities, a toxic element that is poisoning our children. The disastrous effects include, low IQs, unintelligible speech, and tremendous costs to taxpayers. It’s especially dangerous to women and children. We need to get this terrible element OUT of our neighborhoods! And while we’re at it, let’s remove lead as well!” Clinton announced to her white-hooded audience, standing before a three story tall Confederate battle flag and flanked on either side by blazing crosses.

The Clinton Campaign has released a statement touting her long record of fighting to keep Americans safe from dangerous elements. The statement touts Clinton’s support for Barry Goldwater, a staunch opponent of the Civil Rights Act. It also notes that Hillary Clinton fought to remove welfare from impoverished blacks by eliminating the AFDC program to attempt to “starve them out” and supported harsh mandatory minimum sentences to jail as many black men as possible and “bring them to heel.”

Clinton describes her new program as “Logical next step towards a Final Solution” and promises robust economic growth in an America untainted by this “odious and debilitating poison.” She also promised to fund some sort of lead removal program afterward.

“Get the lead OUT” is a replacement for Clinton’s failed “Breaking Down Barriers” slogan where the former Secretary encouraged HIV sufferers to engage in unprotected sex with virgins in the mistaken belief that it would cure their ailment. The Clinton Campaign has corrected this statement and publicly apologized for the resulting nationwide rape-spree.