Citing “A thirst only blood can slake,” Democratic frontrunner Hillary “Reaper” Clinton renewed demands that supporters offer her their firstborn sons in tribute, lest she unleash her armies of darkness upon the land once again.
Registered Democrats were awakened multiple times in the night by sinister robocalls where an apparently intoxicated Clinton demanded “kindfleisch” in between labored breaths. A small army of Clinton volunteers pounded on doors late into the night, shattering windows and setting the homes of those who dared resist their dark call ablaze.
Parents who refused to turn over their children to the Clinton campaign were punished by revocation of their voting rights in upcoming democratic primaries, as well as public abacination. Over one thousand children have been reported as missing since the beginning of what the Clinton Campaign is euphemistically referring to as a “Blood Drive.”
While most consider this politics as usual, some affected parents have since filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission. Their complaint claims they were unaware of a provision in the Democratic Party Membership Packet which allows candidates to devour their young during a Presidential or Midterm election cycle. When asked for comment Clinton Campaign Director Marlon Marshall laughed maniacally before pronouncing “The pact is sealed!” and refusing to comment further.
This isn’t the first time Clinton has demanded blood sacrifice from her constituents. In her 2008 run for president, Clinton was roundly criticized for her “Well of Souls” 30 second ad spot, where an animated maelstrom of blood and children was depicted as draining into the former Secretary’s waiting hell-maw. The death toll for the 2008 Blood Drive is estimated to be over 20,000.