Citing “A thirst only blood can slake,” Democratic frontrunner Hillary “Reaper” Clinton renewed demands that supporters offer her their firstborn sons in tribute, lest she unleash her armies of darkness upon the land once again.
Registered Democrats were awakened multiple times in the night by sinister robocalls where an apparently intoxicated Clinton demanded “kindfleisch” in between labored breaths. A small army of Clinton volunteers pounded on doors late into the night, shattering windows and setting the homes of those who dared resist their dark call ablaze.
Parents who refused to turn over their children to the Clinton campaign were punished by revocation of their voting rights in upcoming democratic primaries, as well as public abacination. Over one thousand children have been reported as missing since the beginning of what the Clinton Campaign is euphemistically referring to as a “Blood Drive.”
While most consider this politics as usual, some affected parents have since filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission. Their complaint claims they were unaware of a provision in the Democratic Party Membership Packet which allows candidates to devour their young during a Presidential or Midterm election cycle. When asked for comment Clinton Campaign Director Marlon Marshall laughed maniacally before pronouncing “The pact is sealed!” and refusing to comment further.
This isn’t the first time Clinton has demanded blood sacrifice from her constituents. In her 2008 run for president, Clinton was roundly criticized for her “Well of Souls” 30 second ad spot, where an animated maelstrom of blood and children was depicted as draining into the former Secretary’s waiting hell-maw. The death toll for the 2008 Blood Drive is estimated to be over 20,000.
In the aftermath of her staggering loss at the Flint Democratic Debate, Hillary Clinton is trying to rally her supporters with “GET THE LEAD OUT,” a new slogan intended to highlight her pledge to rid the United States of the dangerous pollutant and black people over the next eight years.
“There’s a heavy burden in our communities, a toxic element that is poisoning our children. The disastrous effects include, low IQs, unintelligible speech, and tremendous costs to taxpayers. It’s especially dangerous to women and children. We need to get this terrible element OUT of our neighborhoods! And while we’re at it, let’s remove lead as well!” Clinton announced to her white-hooded audience, standing before a three story tall Confederate battle flag and flanked on either side by blazing crosses.
The Clinton Campaign has released a statement touting her long record of fighting to keep Americans safe from dangerous elements. The statement touts Clinton’s support for Barry Goldwater, a staunch opponent of the Civil Rights Act. It also notes that Hillary Clinton fought to remove welfare from impoverished blacks by eliminating the AFDC program to attempt to “starve them out” and supported harsh mandatory minimum sentences to jail as many black men as possible and “bring them to heel.”
Clinton describes her new program as “Logical next step towards a Final Solution” and promises robust economic growth in an America untainted by this “odious and debilitating poison.” She also promised to fund some sort of lead removal program afterward.
“Get the lead OUT” is a replacement for Clinton’s failed “Breaking Down Barriers” slogan where the former Secretary encouraged HIV sufferers to engage in unprotected sex with virgins in the mistaken belief that it would cure their ailment. The Clinton Campaign has corrected this statement and publicly apologized for the resulting nationwide rape-spree.
I heard the show’s host had no balls.
He refused to take listener’s calls.
He hides behind masks, and neglects all his tasks.
All we hear is “DOOM AWAITS YOU ALL”
WHO CAN STOP THIS VICIOUS RAPIST?
Infamous gash hound Donald “coontang” Trump’s legendary forays into the field of amateur gynecology continued last night during a pre-primary rally in New Hampshire. After an audience interjection, Trump wowed attending physicians by diagnosing rival candidate Ted Cruz with a case of acute vaginitis. A hush fell over the crowd followed by thunderous applause in what political commentators are calling the greatest “eureka” moment of modern political medicine.
Trump has been previously criticized by the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG) which cautions against treatment by individuals whose doctorates are only honorary. However following the televised pronouncement, ACOG CEO Hal C. Lawrence III, MD was forced to conclude that Doctor Trump’s impromptu diagnosis was in fact totally accurate.
“I can’t believe it. We were completely stumped by Senator Cruz’s debilitating malady, the disgusting emissions, the rancid smell. In hindsight it should have been obvious. In our defense, I believe none of us have ever seen such a large vagina before. In fact, I believe Senator Cruz may go down in history as the biggest pussy of all time.”
Previous medical reasoning had led doctors to believe that Cruz was suffering from profound mental retardation from untreated phenylketonuria coupled with the early stages of Proteus Syndrome, causing his idiotic views and monstrous, gelatinous appearance. A tanker truck of Monistat 7 is currently en route to Concord to begin emergency treatment to save Senator Cruz’s life.
Get it now, proles. DOOM AWAITS YOU ALL!
Representative Steve “King of Lies” was caught on camera last night using black magic to puppeteer ill-formed homunculus Ted Cruz in front of a horrified crowd. Sources have claimed that the ritual which animated Cruz is losing its power, forcing the King of Lies to stay close to his unholy creation to keep it from coming apart at the seams.
King’s strategy of bathing the Cruz abomination in the blood of murdered children has allowed him to win the Iowa primary with his mindless construct, however many feel he is approaching a point where no number of slaughtered orphans can hold his unholy creation together.
Rival sorcerers in the Trump and Carson camps have been critical of the the homunculus’s lax, putty-like flesh and the vile and senseless gibberish it spouts. Some even whisper that King has lost the favor of bat-winged demigod Nyarlahotep and will soon be devoured. Despite her own Golemgate scandal, Democratic Lich Queen Hillary Clinton has publicly denounced King’s arcane construct as an affront before the eyes of Yaweh, and demanded the apparition be banished to the nether plane from whence it came.
Feeling the heat of bipartisan criticism and the infernal fires of hell, Representative King has announced plans to animate a replacement Cruz out of pig and horse carcasses directly after the primary.