Round 3 of the LRH Rap contest CHAT RAPS will air FRIDAY MAY 19TH STARTING AT 10 PM NYC TIME

The show will air at

if we get banned there or to see old shows go to

PRIZE AS OF 5/8 IS $325, this is subject to increase!

The theme this week is “AN ACCIDENT”
As always interpret that however you want.




  • To apply record yourself rapping over the instrumental above.
  • Do not edit the instrumental to make it longer, add more bars, etc. You can add samples or mute the track in places if needed. Your final file must be the same length as that track 2:12.
  • TO SUBMIT YOUR RAP EMAIL A SOUNCLOUD OR YOUTUBE LINK TO L ZERO D E AT L ZERO D E DOT COM. Do not consider your rap submitted unless you get a REPLY BACK FROM ME saying it’s submitted. Hound my ass on twitter, irc, murder me in real life, whatever it takes. If you don’t get a confirmation from me your track is NOT SUBMITTED.
  • Submit your track as a SOUNDCLOUD or YOUTUBE link. Be careful, it’s possible your file may get region locked or deleted if you use copyrighted samples. Try not to do that.
  • The DEADLINE for rap submissions is 11:59PM NEW YORK TIME on MAY 18th 2017. In some rare cases I wall accept re-uploads after this date to fix fucked up soundfiles etc but it is not guaranteed.

The voting for this rap contest is as follows:

  • ONLY REGULAR LISTENERS OF LRH and people who submit songs can vote. A regular listener is designated as someone I, l0de ray dio recognize. Only I can make this determination, and I will try to be fair with it. If you want to be recognized as a regular listener, listen to the show, call in sometimes, and chat in #LRH on efnet
  • If you submitted a song you CAN and SHOULD call in to vote for yourself. Feel free to talk shit on everyone else when you do.
  • To vote you MUST both call in to the show, identify yourself and type !rappername in either twitch chat or IRC. This week we are not taking ANY VOTES WITHOUT CALLS, with the exception of Kongfuzi maybe since he put up a ton of money.
  • I will announce the poll close time at the start of the show and we will try to stick to it, but I don’t promise I can. The show is crazy as fuck.
  • If there is a TIE when voting ends, I cast the tiebreaking vote. I won’t hesitate to vote for my own shit either if I think it’s better, so don’t leave it up to the judges. Go for the knockout.


  • The CHAT RAPS prize pool is funded by listeners pledging into a prize pool. There is NO entry fee. The money is NOT guaranteed, in case a pledge does not make good. I will not make up for a pledge that doesn’t pay up out of my own money. My own pledge of $25 for each show is the only guaranteed money. However in every contest so far, all pledges have made good.
  • This week we will award money for First, Second, and third place. Third Place is $25, Second place is $50, and First place is all the remaining money (currently $250)
  • You MUST have a valid bitcoin wallet or paypal account to get paid. I am not writing any checks. Bitcoin is preferred. If for some reason I can’t contact you within 2 weeks to pay you, I am keeping the money and spending it on whores.
  • POT SPLITTING is not allowed, and if I catch you doing it, you are disqualified
  • If I get banned from twitch or the show is DDOSed or otherwise cancelled, we will try to do it at a later time. If for some reason we get cancelled entirely I will refund any pledges I can. If I get swatted I am keeping your money to pay for the shit the cops break.


It may seem daunting as an outsider to win this contest, since you’re trying to appeal to an insular group of crazy IRC autists. Here are a few helpful tips:

  • LRH is primarily a comedy show and I would expect funny raps to do better
  • People who submit their songs as lyric videos seem to get more votes
  • Tracks that are correctly mixed get more votes. Pay attention to your vocal and track levels
  • Check out some previous shows for tracks that have done well and to get a feel for what people like
  • hop in #LRH on EFNET and get to know some of these magnificent chatters in their natural environment.
  • feel free to do some creative shit, make a music video, whatever just keep it in the time limit
  • have a GOOD TIME this is all for fun boys

THAT’S ALL THE RULES THAT I CAN THINK OF FUCK THIS IS COMPLICATED. Also I reserve the right to enter my own goddamn contest if I feel like it, I haven’t rapped since 1997 and do not expect to win. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT HERE IF YOU NEED CLARIFICATION OR WANT TO TALK SHIT.


Golden Corral is honestly better than a fucking movie.

I have a friend named Bruce. Bruce looks to be some kind of honest-to-God pirate at first glance, and I mean Captain Jack Sparrow’s crew pirate, and the ornery, mean old fucking pirate you’d never, ever want to mess with because he’d bite your God-damned nose off and eat it. He’s also wildly into K-pop, choreographs his own dance routines to it, and in the last year or two has started just basically eating like a Korean, which apparently means shitloads of vegetables and cabbage. Anyway, Bruce goes to Golden Corral like 2x a week, which I thought was kind of strange due to his new health kick, so finally I asked him about it.

“Dude,” he said. “Golden Corral has a shitload of vegetables, and their cabbage is great. But you’re missing the point. You don’t go to Golden Corral just for the food, JS. It’s fucking dinner theater.”

And you know what? He’s right. For $12 you can sit and watch some of the most hilarious, downright hellishly gluttonous behavior you will see outside the Plane of Fat in the Demonic Abyss. I went with him one time and laughed so hard at some of the shit on display that now I go with him about once a month, get a big plate of steak and another big plate of salad, stake out a spot where you can see most of the buffets (and oh for fucking sure the CHOCOLATE WONDERFALL) and just observe the kind of unbelievably self-indulgent (and self-destructive) shit that would make a European or Southeast Asian’s person head explode off their shoulders in horror and make someone with a “sick sad world” sense of humor laugh their ass off.

Someone, say, like me.

For example, the very first time I went with Bruce I was witness to “the recon.” This is a real thing, and what I am about to describe is not an isolated incident, no sirree. Humongously fat people will literally go scout the buffet. Now, I think we all do this to some extent at a buffet, in the “Hmm, what do they have to eat here?” glance-while-walking-to-the-table sense, but this is done with military precision, people. I’ve watched with my own eyes three people, all of whom were 300 lbs+, meet briefly and talk, then split up and go to the buffets, carefully eyeballing each selection, lips moving, fingers pointing, as if cataloging the unearthly delights that await them, then fucking meeting back up in the same place to discuss what they saw and plan an attack. I’m serious. They were like 10 feet away.

“Guys it looks like the fried chicken tonight is coming out pretty fast, pretty sure that stuff’s going to be good, but the rotisserie is just kind of hanging out. Pulled pork was kind of crusty but I think if we dug down a bit there’s good stuff there. There was a bit of a crust on the edge of the brown gravy and someone dropped some fucking broccoli in it but the white gravy’s looking fine. Outside of that, hot bar A looks good. And of course the bourbon chicken looks good as always.”

“Fantastic. Well, the guy cooking the steaks told me they are busting open a new box in about 20 minutes, so we should probably lay off that until then. I noticed there was a lot of bacon in the green beans right now so that should probably be one of our first stops. The mac and cheese tonight also looks fucking delicious, it’s got a nice crust unlike that bullshit last week when it was practically yellow water, so we need to move on that. It looks like they recently changed out the taco stuff, especially the nacho cheese, it looks brand new, so, take that for what it’s worth.”

“Well I’ve got bad news guys, from what I could see it looks like tonight’s a no chocolate cake night, they only have that fucking one that has those fake cherries on top, and we all know how that fucks things up.”


There's fucking cheese everywhere. The kid looks like they took a nacho shower, there's cheese in his fucking hair, and I'm not talking an isolated drop of cheese, no sir, I'm talking "Fuck it shave the baby, there's no way we're getting this out" cheese-in-hair. The area on the floor around baby's highchair looks like someone murdered a Taco Bell with a power drill.

Mom and dad don't give a fuck. "CURRR-TIS!" mom says, affectionate and exasperated. "Why'd you do that?"

Uh, maybe it's because you gave something without the current capacity for rational thought the equivalent of a food WMD, lady, just guessing. So after seeing the ELE-level mess her kid had made, Momma Fats just moves the cratered nacho plate away (which she ended up eating, a common enough fat person justification, "Oh honey do YOU want a giant plate of food you can't possibly eat OH I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO FINISH THAT FOR YOU CAN'T WASTE") and handed the kid a fucking chicken nugget.

This mess was so awesome that the server for that section literally called over multiple other servers to see it.

Shit this was a lot longer than I planned it to be, and believe it or not, I have to "watch" my 7 year-old nephew now, which means I am going to take him to a McDonald's with a ball pit and get some work done while he and a bunch of other kids concoct fantastic adventures that revolved around man-sized plastic tubes. Later tonight I'll type up another baby story, let's call it "Food as Toys."

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